All Your Horror Are Belong To Us.

Hello there, I'm a typical thirteen-year-old horror fan. I was born in 1996, the same year that Scream, From Dusk Till Dawn, and The Frighteners came out in theaters. They are all what I call "really old."

You might think I'm a bit young to be watching horror movies, but I'm guessing you were around my age when you first started down this slippery, red slope. Sadly, you had to watch everything on video when you were thirteen. Thank God DVD was invented the year before I was born, and VHS was all but obsolete by the time I was old enough to walk. No having to "adjust the tracking", whatever that shit means, for this kid.

My dad was born in 1974. When he was a kid, his favorite movies were the old Halloween, the old Friday the 13th, and the super old Texas Chainsaw Massacre - which, incidentally, came out the same year he did. Apparently there were six Halloweens, nine Friday the 13ths, and three Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequels released before I was born. Not surprisingly, none of them scare me. Because they are really fucking old... like my dad.

My old dad is totally determined to scare me with his old movies. One time, he made me watch The Evil Dead, which came out fifteen years before I was born. After I pissed him off by laughing Evil Dead off the screen, I made my dad watch 1959's The Killer Shrews to prove that horror movies made 15 years before you're born are always big piles of un-scary shit.

Even though he is old, my dad and I actually do have a lot in common. My favorite movies are the better versions of Halloween, Friday the 13th, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Thanks to the storytelling skills of Rob Zombie (who, I guess, was in a band way before I was born), I expect a real slasher film to have a death at least every 90 seconds. No more of this "waiting around" suspense crap. Blood equals horror. Oh yeah, and his Halloween has a lot of swearing, which I also love. Ass. Shit.

It also has a bunch of wrinkly old actors in it that my dad gives $20 to at conventions and poses me in front of while I pretend to know who the crap they are. But its cool because there are like a billion deaths in Rob Zombie's Halloween. Oh yeah, and all the songs in it are oldies by a band called Rush and a lady named Alice Cooper.

My dad tried to make me watch the old Friday the 13th once, but I got really bored and started twittering my disdain. They spend almost 30 minutes introducing people and giving them names and stories before they started killing them. Jesus. Who has time for that?! Rob Zombie could have stabbed 25 naked girls in the face in that amount of time.

Kevin Bacon is in it, who I believe is now a senator, and like a year into the movie, a hitchhiker gets her throat cut. Unfortunately, dad then made the mistake of telling me there was no hockey mask until the third movie, so I immediately freaked out and put in the remake.

Now there's a goddamn movie. I'm told that in the old Friday the 13th, you have to wait for the whole movie to see the old lady's head get chopped off. In the new one, it happens in 45 seconds. Look how much time that saves! Oh yeah, in MY Friday the 13th there's a bunch of boobs, a giant field of pot, and a black kid who wants to be a rapper. Now that's a movie I can relate to. All 13-year-olds love boobs, weed, and rapping.

Oh yeah, and in MY Texas Chainsaw Massacre (by the guy who made Transformers 2!), Leatherface isn't a fatty. Dad says big fat killers are scarier than bodybuilders, but maybe he says that because he's fat and wants to feel like a badass.

Also, everyone in MY versions of YOUR movies is hot.

Seriously, I just want all you old people to leave me alone, let me watch good movies, and quit giving me shit about them. I don't forbid you from liking Hellraiser - and that movie's so old, I think Lincoln was watching it when he was shot.

The bottom line is this, geezers: my friends and I control horror movies now, so you better get used to the awesome stuff that they're making for us.

Oh yeah, what's A Nightmare on Elm Street about? Is that the one with Freddy? My dumbass dad made fun of me because I dressed up like Freddy for Halloween last year and he said I knew absolutely nothing about him. Well dad, you were wrong. I know Freddy is burned or deformed and has really long fingers. What else do I need to know? Its not like the dude's a goddamn child molester.

Here's an idea, pops. Why don't you test your pacemaker by watching Night of the Living Dead or something else from the 1800s and leave me alone?

...Oh, but before you go, can I have twelve bucks for Halloween II? I hear its totally freakin' sweet, and that the next one's gonna be in 3-D.

Kids my age would watch Nazi propaganda films if they were in 3-D.


Ass. Shit.